I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
