Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
