I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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