She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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