Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
