Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
