girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
