Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I FOUND THE LEGS
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
