Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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