I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
