when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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