Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
