Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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