I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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