I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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