ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
