I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
