The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
