I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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