I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
