she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
