Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
