Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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