you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
