Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
