Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
