Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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