paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
