she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
