it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
