I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sext me about skeletons
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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