I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
