Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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