it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
