He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
