she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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