Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
