She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
