it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drunk is a universal language darling
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
