I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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