well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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