when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
