I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
