Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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