Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I deserve this hangover.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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