I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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