Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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