I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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