Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
