I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
