Do you still have your period?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
